11/1/2016- with minor edits.
What is the difference between thoughts in your head and thoughts on a piece of paper (or laptop screen)? Rereading my writing helps to see how much or little I have progressed or more rarely (and fortunately), regressed.
Recently, I came across the concept that one reason why we are creative is to gain a better understanding of ourselves and our world. However, being honest, being brutally, utterly, and mercilessly honest may be the hardest element of writing.
We don’t consciously lie to ourselves but facing one’s own truth can bring incredible discomfort and pain. It’s easier to ignore that nagging feeling in your gut or escape with Netflix, substances, or other soul numbing activities. I did it daily in and out of the hospital for over a decade.
What’s a nagging feeling in my gut? Immediately I think of a fear–that 6 months from now, my current job won’t seem so bad. That I will think I should have tolerated it for the sake of a steady paycheck. But I realize it’s simply a fear, not necessarily a fact.
Why do fears rise up when I ask my gut? Where is the simple truth? Fears rise because they exist, but it is up to me to prevent them from becoming stifling.
It is difficult to create a stillness to listen to one’s instinct. There is so much noise in the world and in my mind.
The simple truth is that I am about to change my life. I have changed my life already. Every day I grow a little. I’m seeing a bit more of who I am each day, the good and the bad.
My gut says that quitting medicine is the right move. That my role, my voice, my ‘thing’ is out there waiting for me to find it. Or perhaps it, too, is searching for me, to paraphrase the truthsayer Liz Gilbert. And when we unite, it will be joyous.
3/24/2017-It’s been 4.5 months since I wrote the above and I’m so friggin happy I left my job! To be updated in a few more months when my cash reserves are lower.